Three Musketeer Review

LONDON FILM FANATIQ

http://londonfilmfanatiq.com/category/film-reviews/

Paul WS Anderson’s The Three Musketeers can be simply summed up as a camp crap-fest that has neither the charm nor wit of the Pirates of the Caribbean films it appears desperate to emulate. Touting Orlando Bloom, here in a relatively small support role, the question of why this take on the famous tale didn’t secure bigger stars is quickly answered by witnessing this dull, mess of a film with some of 2011’s worst dialogue packed into its near two-hour runtime.

Freddie Fox, Orlando Bloom, Ray Stevenson, Matthew Macfadyen and Luke Evans at the World Premiere at London's Westfield Vue

The film begins nicely enough with a digital rendering of an old European map atop which various nations’ army figurines are placed as the shot pans over and through, illustrating the most effective use of 3D The Three Musketeers employs. It’s all downhill from there. Each musketeer is introduced through their specialty: Athos (Matthew MacFadyen) the skilled diver; Aramis (Luke Evans) who attacks from above; and Porthos’ (Ray Stevenson) reliance on brute strength.


Thrown into the mix is Milla Jovovich’s M’Lady, whose specialty is over-acting and betrayal. Through a series of rapid and convenient contrivances, would-be Musketeer D’Artagnan (Logan Lerman) runs into all three separately and brings the trio back together, despite having no cause to fight for.


Luckily, the three still live together, for some unexplained reason, along with their bumbling servant, Planchet (James Corden). While Corden’s appearance initially injects a laugh into the film, his welcome is well worn-out once pigeon poop has splattered on his face. Eventually the group must prevent further war between Duke of Buckingham’s (Bloom) England and King Loius’(Freddie Fox) France. This is done in the most absurd of manners and is essentially about the retrieval of a diamond necklace.

Christoph Waltz is the villain behind all the scheming, as his Cardinal Richelieu feels like he should be in another film. As good as Waltz is as a talent, he fails to raise this film out of the murky depths, as he too is saddled with awful lines and no convincing motivation.


As for the Musketeers themselves, the trio have no chemistry as a team and lack any identifiable charisma. Lerman makes up for their deficiencies slightly but is hampered by his love-story and his rise to confidant of the King. The exchanges between D’Artagnan and King Louis and Constance were possibly penned by a writer with a reading level no greater than that of a five-year-old’s. For charity’s sake, the topic of accents will be fully ignored here.

Luke Evans, Logan Lerman, Milla Jovovich, director Paul WS Anderson, Freddie Fox and Gabriella Wilde at the World Premiere on 4 October 2011

The flaws of The Three Musketeers are plentiful: jokes that fall flat, bland and unnoticeable 3D, a boring plot, bad acting, dreadful dialogue, and an airship battle that could only be more ridiculous were there alien involvement. The clear intentions to establish a franchise lead to a lack of any satisfying outcome and a preposterous non-death of at least one central character.


The Three Musketeers is an obvious bid to cut into the big bucks of the swash-buckle-loving market that Pirates of the Caribbean has cornered and milked. However, looking cheap by comparison and failing to deliver excitement or enjoyment, (which Johnny Depp can manage alone, even with the worst of scripts), The Three Musketeers deserves to fade into obscurity, whilst awaiting yet another reboot 15-20 years from now. 4/10