Time to stop feeling guilty about fancying Colin Firth! It could actually pep up your relationship, say experts

Can a crush on a celebrity improve YOUR love life?

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By Lydia Slater

Last updated at 12:19 AM on 31st October 2011



The whole world (well, the female half of it — and quite a few men) seems to have fallen madly in love with actor Ryan Gosling.

Normally sensible women who a month ago couldn’t have picked him out of a line-up are suddenly daydreaming about being swept off their feet by the brooding star of Drive, The Ides Of March and Crazy Stupid Love (all out right now, all being inundated with hordes of infatuated females).

More than a million people have watched the YouTube clip of the buff star breaking up a real-life fight on the streets of New York. We are, it seems, in the grip of a collective Ryan-mania.

Mooning over a movie star: From left, Colin Firth, George Clooney and Ryan Gosling

These secret crushes are an excellent way to while away a tedious afternoon. But isn’t it a bit embarrassing, for a fortysomething like me to be mooning over a movie star?

The celebrity crush has long been considered a teen phenomenon — become a woman and you’re expected to take down the boy-band posters and concentrate on finding love in real life.

And is it disloyal to our partners if we fantasise about being swept away in the manly arms of Ryan Gosling/Robert Pattinson/Matthew (Dan Stevens) from Downton Abbey? Is it a sign of some underlying malaise in the relationship — boredom or lack of attraction?

Not according to marital therapist Andrew G. Marshall, author of I Love You But I’m Not In Love With You. In fact, he says, if, in your partner’s arms, you imagine you’re being ravished by Brad Pitt, that’s actually proof that your relationship is a healthy one.

‘Everybody fantasises,’ he says. ‘And only a small percentage of those people fantasise about their partner. A quarter of the population regularly admit to at least one celebrity crush.’

Far from being something to keep secret, talking about your celebrity fantasy can be a powerful way to revive a humdrum sex life. ‘The brain is our most important sex organ, but it’s also the most under-used,’ he says.

‘You need to be as creative as possible when it comes to your love life. If you believe you’re only allowed to find each other attractive, that’s an incredible straitjacket.

‘The thing about celebrities is that they are a perfect focus for a fantasy and tend to fit into archetypes. A celebrity crush is a safe way of exploring the options you didn’t take in life. You often get women who marry sensible, nice guys but fantasise about the bad boys. Conversely, lots of women had crushes on David Cassidy, particularly if their teenage relationships were with ghastly types.’

Teen heart throbs: David Cassidy, left, was beloved by girls in the 70s while Robert Pattinson is a fan favourite today

So the men we get crushes on are often the antithesis of the men we meet in everyday life. This rings true for Ryan Gosling fan Sarah Rosebery, 32, who works in advertising. ‘While Ryan’s character in Drive would defend me to the death, the real men I meet would probably hide behind me in a fight,’ she says.

So how exactly can we use these passionate feelings for a movie star to pep up our real-life love lives? Well, when couples visit Mr Marshall with marital difficulties, having lost interest in their sex lives, he teaches them a technique called ‘simmering’, encouraging them to fantasise about their celebrity crush, and then to mentally re-run the fantasy, putting their partners into the scene instead of the crush. ‘It gives people ideas they might like to try out at home,’ he explains.

‘We spend all our time turning ourselves off. There are thousands of sensual images and intriguing people on the bus or train, but we close our minds to it. Sometimes people need practice in turning themselves back on again.’

Simmering, he says, is a useful technique, particularly for busy mums who may have ceased to see themselves as sexual beings, and for couples who’ve been together for years and forgotten what they found arousing in one another.

‘Fantasies are incredibly empowering, because in them, not only is your crush gorgeous, but they fancy you back.’

And having imagined bowling over Colin Firth, you are likely to be less self-conscious about your cellulite when it comes to revealing them to your partner.

Fantasy dates: Dan Stevens in Downton Abbey as Matthew Crawley, left, and A-Ha's Morten Harket in his youth

Fantasising is one thing: but how can you tell your partner about your celebrity crush without upsetting him? My other half has been very sneery about Wimbledon ever since I revealed my secret passion for Roger Federer: his muscly thighs, immaculate whites and gentlemanly behaviour. But then, I did also make the error of saying that he looked like my previous boyfriend.

‘That was a big mistake,’ says Mr Marshall. ‘The point about the celebrity crush is that it’s safe, because it’s a fantasy. Roger Federer isn’t going to pop round for tea, but your ex just might.’

The point of the revelation, he says, is to arouse a spark of jealousy strong enough to reawaken the primitive instincts of desire and conquest in your partner, but not so strong that it alienates them.

Take PR consultant Justine Hull, 37, who met her idol, A-ha singer Morten Harket. ‘My sister had bought us tickets to see his concert and get into the VIP lounge. I couldn’t believe it when he walked in. With my sister egging me on, I asked for his autograph and started chatting to him. He was absolutely lovely and my sister took a picture of us with his cheek against mine!

‘Later, I rang my husband and told him what had happened — he was not overly thrilled. There was definitely some jealousy and he asked lots of questions. What hotel is he staying in? Where are you now?’

According to Mr Marshall, the green-eyed monster can be a positive thing: ‘It reminds us that our partners are attractive, sexual beings who are independent of us, they’re not our possessions.’

He recommends a cheeky approach to involve your partner in your fantasies.

‘It’s easiest if you have matching crushes — for instance, two characters in the same television programme.’ Another way is to point out resemblances (however tenuous) between your partner and your celebrity crush. ‘It’s a teasing, flirtatious kind of game.’

Which is what Justine and her husband have done. ‘Like Morten, John has great cheekbones and a really good singing voice. When we are a bit tipsy, I ask him to sing A-ha songs to me.’

Taking a crush too far: One woman had a relationship with a man simply because he looked like actor Ewan McGregor

However, the seemingly harmless celebrity crush can occasionally become unhealthy. Business consultant Nova Selly, 37, fell in love with someone totally unsuitable — simply because he looked like Ewan McGregor.

‘I ended up following him to Scotland, and could have ruined my life and career if I hadn’t come to my senses,’ explains Nova.

‘He was ten years my junior and we had nothing in common. My friends kept saying: “What on earth are you doing?” I realised after a month that my crush had got out of hand, so moved back to London.’

For many years she used her feelings for Ewan McGregor as a way to avoid real-life relationships and potential heartbreak.

‘I am quite naive and romantic, and it seemed safer to fall headlong in love with a man I was never likely to meet. I have been constantly in search of the “perfect man” and, to me, Ewan represents that.

‘I know it’s hopeless and even dangerous, as I actually do feel as if I am in love him, even though I’m now in a happy relationship. I want to be married and have children before I am 40, so I have to let go of this crush — otherwise my relationships are all about transferring my fantasy feelings about Ewan onto a real man, who cannot live up to the image.’

Generally, says Mr Marshall, the whole point of the celebrity crush is that it’s essentially safe. Most of us are very unlikely to bump into George Clooney; it’s much more dangerous to daydream about George in accounts.

And actually meeting the object of your dreams may quickly shatter your illusions. I well remember my own crushing disappointment meeting Ralph Fiennes just after he’d starred in The English Patient. Yes, he was gorgeous in the flesh, but when he complained petulantly about the absence of chocolate eclairs on the menu, my heroic image of him dissolved.

It’s a lesson Kelsey Grammer’s wife Camille has learned the hard way. As Grammer himself revealed recently on Piers Morgan’s chat show: ‘I think she married me because I was Frasier. Kelsey Grammer is a different story.’

Unsurprisingly, their divorce has been rather


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