“Ask Colin Firth if he will marry me!”
This is what my sister-in-law, Pam, wrote to me on Facebook upon learning the Oscar-winning actor was in Graham filming his new movie, “Arthur Newman: Golf Pro.”
I’m choosing to believe that statement says little about the state of her marriage to my brother and more about the sway Firth holds over a significant portion of the female population.
Yes, Firth is a supremely talented actor. He’s still on a victory lap from his deserved Best Actor win for “The King’s Speech,” and he had an impressive resume before that.
But to Pam and an entire generation of women, no matter what else he does, Firth will forever be the quintessential “Mr. Darcy” from Jane Austen’s “Pride and Prejudice.” Though I’ve never seen that 1995 BBC-produced miniseries, I’m told that it has special powers over women.
Direct staring into his eyes as Mr. Darcy causes a debilitating condition commonly known as Firthdonitis.
Firthdonitis causes the patella of the human female to soften, resulting in the temporary loss of the ability to stand or walk upright. Prolonged exposure causes fits of lucid daydreaming, mild sweats and uncontrollable sighing. Though no cases have been reported in males, they are advised to look away from the screen and blink several times at least once every five minutes just in case.
Firthdonitis is also incurable, hence Pam’s uncharacteristically shrill and unrealistic request.
When editors sent me to the scene of Ember’s Motor Lodge to cover Firth’s arrival and work here, I wasn’t sure how it would play out.
I pulled up and our photographer Scott Muthersbaugh flagged me down. As we stood in front of a shiny, black, European-model SUV, I joked with him about not wanting a restraining order put out against me.
“I told you not to lick Colin Firth’s face, Michael,” Scott said, imagining the scenario.
Then out of the corner of my eye, the man in the front passenger seat of the SUV materialized as a bespectacled Colin Firth — fewer than 10 feet away. He was on a mobile phone, and I saw a worried look cross the face we’d just joked about licking.
The consummate professional, he went about his business and moments later scurried inside the diner set built for the scene. He and co-star Emily Blunt rehearsed efficiently and jovially — but I knew better.
Mortified, I pictured the thoughts running through his head: “Am I truly going to be assaulted on the side of the interstate by that Hobbit with the notepad? I hope my publicist has her Taser. Will it be a quick flicker of the tongue, or a long, drooling lick? Taser.”
For better or worse, there were no further opportunities to approach him.
He and Blunt looked tired from a long day of shooting in Durham and Raleigh. I didn’t want to be a bother, anyway. The Times-News is many things, but “TMZ” we aren’t.
It doesn’t look like my sister-in-law is the future Mrs. Colin Firth, either.
Michael Abernethy can be reached at mabernethy@thetimesnews.com
The Times News
This is what my sister-in-law, Pam, wrote to me on Facebook upon learning the Oscar-winning actor was in Graham filming his new movie, “Arthur Newman: Golf Pro.”
I’m choosing to believe that statement says little about the state of her marriage to my brother and more about the sway Firth holds over a significant portion of the female population.
Yes, Firth is a supremely talented actor. He’s still on a victory lap from his deserved Best Actor win for “The King’s Speech,” and he had an impressive resume before that.
But to Pam and an entire generation of women, no matter what else he does, Firth will forever be the quintessential “Mr. Darcy” from Jane Austen’s “Pride and Prejudice.” Though I’ve never seen that 1995 BBC-produced miniseries, I’m told that it has special powers over women.
Direct staring into his eyes as Mr. Darcy causes a debilitating condition commonly known as Firthdonitis.
Firthdonitis causes the patella of the human female to soften, resulting in the temporary loss of the ability to stand or walk upright. Prolonged exposure causes fits of lucid daydreaming, mild sweats and uncontrollable sighing. Though no cases have been reported in males, they are advised to look away from the screen and blink several times at least once every five minutes just in case.
Firthdonitis is also incurable, hence Pam’s uncharacteristically shrill and unrealistic request.
When editors sent me to the scene of Ember’s Motor Lodge to cover Firth’s arrival and work here, I wasn’t sure how it would play out.
I pulled up and our photographer Scott Muthersbaugh flagged me down. As we stood in front of a shiny, black, European-model SUV, I joked with him about not wanting a restraining order put out against me.
“I told you not to lick Colin Firth’s face, Michael,” Scott said, imagining the scenario.
Then out of the corner of my eye, the man in the front passenger seat of the SUV materialized as a bespectacled Colin Firth — fewer than 10 feet away. He was on a mobile phone, and I saw a worried look cross the face we’d just joked about licking.
The consummate professional, he went about his business and moments later scurried inside the diner set built for the scene. He and co-star Emily Blunt rehearsed efficiently and jovially — but I knew better.
Mortified, I pictured the thoughts running through his head: “Am I truly going to be assaulted on the side of the interstate by that Hobbit with the notepad? I hope my publicist has her Taser. Will it be a quick flicker of the tongue, or a long, drooling lick? Taser.”
For better or worse, there were no further opportunities to approach him.
He and Blunt looked tired from a long day of shooting in Durham and Raleigh. I didn’t want to be a bother, anyway. The Times-News is many things, but “TMZ” we aren’t.
It doesn’t look like my sister-in-law is the future Mrs. Colin Firth, either.
Michael Abernethy can be reached at mabernethy@thetimesnews.com
The Times News
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